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[icon] Eh! Ingegnere! Aspetti! Che cosa fa!
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Current Music:"You Dropped a Bomb On Me" - The Gap Band
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Time:07:59 pm
everything i've tried to do this year has backfired
i'm soooo sick of grad school
when I graduate I think I'm going to just try to make as much money as possible
because fuck it
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Subject:i have a plan
Time:07:24 pm
Current Mood:deliberate
2015 was a strange year.
It did not resolve.
For this I'm grateful, because 2016 approaches like a horizon.
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Subject:nope, wrong again
Time:08:53 pm
Current Mood:apatheticapathetic
whoops. there is a lot to be outraged about. i stand corrected.

I've been very interested by the phrase "i stand corrected" lately mainly because in an era perhaps more than ever characterized by an ethics of shame, the idea that one might stand--that is, be upright, not prone--corrected--that is, once wrong, but no longer--seems somehow radical.
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Current Music:Miles Davis - "Bitches Brew"
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Subject:so much for that
Time:09:28 pm
Current Mood:chill
ok had high hopes about that but hindsight is 20/20

writing personal narrative on the internet is a liability now so there goes the creative outlet.
mainly doing academic writing now anyway.

in June I successful became a scientist! (meaning: presented and published an empirical result that used some impressive (to me) statistics)
now of course I'm bored of that.

things are quiet. by accident getting to the point where I have nothing to do but "work on my dissertation".
i've spent four years being humbled about the possible significance of such a thing.
these things are not significant, as the significance is socially constructed, and my somewhat antisocial tendencies have not done me any favors as far as positioning my work goes.

it's ok.
there is something to be said for stoic resignation.
I do after all *understand things* better than I ever have.
So little is actually outrageous.
Things are mostly fine, and getting agitated often makes the bad things worse.

so chill.
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Subject:Hello
Time:12:54 am
Hello, LiveJournal. I miss you.
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Subject:fun fact
Time:10:25 pm
Fun fact. If somebody draws on your toenails with a Sharpie permanent marker, you can kind of get it off by rubbing it with toilet paper dipper in bad whiskey.
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Time:02:25 pm
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Subject:Merry Christmas
Time:07:30 pm
Merry Christmas!

Today has been a good day. My sister gave me a Hawaiian shirt. Everybody seems to be coming down with whatever sickness my brother-in-law has so we've been taking lots of naps.
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Subject:happy holidays
Time:01:19 am
Here's where I'm at at this point in my life:

  • I feel like I'm progressing intellectually very rapidly. Since I'm doing this largely alone, this is both isolating and exhilerating. I bore easily.

  • I'm feeling fairly secure in myself as a person. I've put a lot of effort into the integration of the parts of myself into a coherent whole lately. I can remember some times where this has been a theme in my life, but also times where I've felt disintegrated and unsure of myself. It's nice to be in the latter state.

  • I am feeling somewhat insecure in my future. People are always asking me "what do you want to do?" and I don't know. What I want to do is for people to stop giving me stuff to do so that I can consolidate the threads I've been gathering my whole life into a dissertation. I just want to sit around and work on my dissertation. Is that crazy? Apparently nobody is supposed to be into that.

  • Then again, since I keep learning new stuff that seems relevant to what I want to write about, maybe I'm unprepared to do the dissertation work?

  • I suppose my biggest concerns are about long term financial or career goals. In the back of my mind I'm hedging on going back into industry. But I'm also feeling myself get less and less cut out for industry. This is supposed to be common for PhD's.

  • It's getting harder and harder to be ideological, so it's getting harder and harder to be ideologically motivated. I can't tell if this is due to an appreciation of the complexity of things or just a function of getting older. I wonder what my other sources of motivation are.

  • I've been trying a new motivation lately, for fun. I've decided to experiment with lusting for power. This seems like a natural enough motivation for a man in his late twenties. I've generally resisted that motive because I thought it would make me a bad person. But at this point I think I'm a good enough person and I probably wouldn't misuse power as much as a lot of other bastards would. Also, how much harm can I do, really? How much power can you get in a PhD program? It's a mystery.

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Time:09:01 pm
She told me she wanted to slice my stomach open and pour all the white grape juice in. Then she asked whether that was weird or hot.
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[icon] Eh! Ingegnere! Aspetti! Che cosa fa!
View:Recent Entries.
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